Dear so-and-so, Tuesday edition

Normally this is a Friday thing, but I’m bubbling over and can’t wait three more days.


Dear December,

I am not ready for you. Could you please wait a few more weeks?

Time-crunched, NFAH


Dear British ladies of a certain age:

Yes, you are right in thinking that those neon colored tights with black skirts and shoes are making a statement. That statement is, “I’m not young enough to pull off this look.”

Helpfully yours, NFAH


Dear Gym,

I know you must think I don’t love you since I don’t visit you very often. Hopefully the three visits in the last eight days will help reassure you that I really do love you. And I do plan to visit you more often in the new year.

Yours with sore muscles, NFAH


Dear American boys,

Your shameless self-promotion is really starting to wear on me. I know this attitude would work okay in America, but here in England it’s a bit much. Why don’t you just whip that thing out, and I’ll grab my tape measure.

Glad I don’t have one, NFAH


Dear team,

I promise you that in the next 48 hours my flat will become tidy and food and drink will be obtained. I realize that from the look of things right now, it does not appear that a holiday party will take place on Thursday.

Channelling Cinderella (but not until tomorrow), NFAH


Dear Social Media people,

There are really only a few ways to piss me off, I swear. But you’re very good at them:

  • Be a (very) minor celebrity but refuse to be facebook friends with anyone you don’t know. Send a message explaining how you don’t want to have too many facebook friends. Excellent, I will be sure to delete that post I was writing about your self-produced CD
  • Actually do tweet what you are eating for every meal and when you are bathing. TMI and I don’t need to know.
  • Or tweet the name of a new song every 3 minutes
  • Or keep tweeting the same message day after day
  • Or keep trying to advertise your latest scheme
  • Or make your blog content unreadable due to advertisements

Helpfully yours, NFAH


Dear Huffington Post,

Thanks for providing me with such interesting reads today. While I was utterly appalled with the patriarchal and heteronormative message found in “Don’t forget to have kids” I was totally and utterly delighted with the profile on my favorite Indie rock star and uber-Twitter genius Amanda Palmer. 1/2 ain’t bad.

Child-free, single and happily yours, NFAH


16 responses to “Dear so-and-so, Tuesday edition

  1. HILARIOUS!!!! I think this may be the best one yet!

  2. In defence of the British ladies of a certain age – they probably came of age in the 80’s, where, like Princess Diana, we, I mean they, wore coloured tights that often matched their shoes. The edgier ones, wore the brighter ones that contrasted with all the black. Not defending the look necessarily, (wink) but explaining where they’re coming from.

  3. I read those two Huff articles as well!! Crazy, but AP is pretty darn cool I have to say (I can say ‘darn’ because Im from Minnesota). Who is the minor celeb who ‘doesnt want too many facebook friends’?!?! WTF? Idiot. I must do this Dear so and so thing one day, v entertaining!

    Have a good party! Get cleaning…

  4. yes. yes. yes. you are funny and awesome.

  5. NFAH — you are absolutely, positively my newest hero. I bow down to your hilarity. I thought that the line about the neon tights was hysterical until I read about the measuring tape and spit out the drink of beer all over my computer. My keyboard is not so happy with you.

  6. You know American men are all about pulling out the measuring tape. Large cars, large TVs, better gadgets…one gigantic measuring tape. Oh and the more fancy, the more they are compensating.

  7. > Dear British ladies of a certain age:

    Yes, you are right in thinking that those neon colored tights with black skirts and shoes are making a statement. That statement is, “I’m not young enough to pull off this look.”

    Perhaps the answer to your aesthetic uneasiness would be to require British women of this age to wear loud and enormously-checked baggy Bermuda shorts made of some sort of plastic, with sandals with white socks, and sun-visors or even hideous tractor-caps, like Americans of a similar age?

    Whatya reckon? American fashion could re-establish the idea that the U.S. still has an important part to play in the world.

  8. Howard, the stereotyped look you’re describing is not to be found on American females, it’s males who commit those particular sins. And I’ve never actually seen all of those things on one person at once. I have seen three women wearing really bright, neon, bad tights here in the last week.

  9. > particular sins

    I try not to tie together personal taste with sinfulness, though it is refreshing to contemplate that puritanism is still possibly alive and well in the US.

    My own feeling is that people on the whole should be allowed to wear what they want: no-one should be stoned for not wearing a burqa, for instance. If some British women should wish to wear neon-coloured pantyhose, then good on ‘em say I! (I must admit *I personally* would not venture forth in neon-coloured tights, but that’s a personal decision ;-) ! )

    I think that ‘judgmentalism’ is often a lazy mode of thought, and I try to avoid it whenever I remember to do so.

    > the stereotyped look you’re describing is not to be found on American females

    Alas, if you do a Google Images search for ‘American Tourists’ you may find that your categorical denial is perhaps a little optimistic (isn’t that a great Brit way of putting things!) I’m particularly fond of the couple portayed at http://tinyurl.com/yzzuh59 . But, they’re wearing what they want to wear, and that is just fine as far as I’m concerned.

  10. Hands up, all who think Howard is being disingenuous here. Me first! (If he truly had a live and let live attitude that people can wear whatever they want, why start by slagging off American tourists supposed clothes choices–choices which I have never seen and note that the photo he links was probably staged by Brits for the sole purpose of slagging off Americans…) ;-)

  11. Pingback: Dear so-and-so, random rage edition « Not From Around Here

  12. NFAH — I have to say you get the most “interesting” people commenting here. I enjoy your sarcasm and wit. Keep it coming!

  13. > why start by slagging off American tourists supposed clothes choice

    Ah, but I wasn’t slagging them off! I was asking whether a clothing style exchange would soothe your aesthetic disquiet. Unlike you, I made no judgement.

    > he links was probably staged by Brits

    Possibly, but not very probably. And what about all the other photos of American tourists in Google Images? Is it likely that they were *all* staged?

  14. Judgemental-smudgemental. My wish for Christmas is that we can all have a sense of humor. Seriously? Women of ANY age look ridiculous in neon tights, but it is even more funny to imagine a 60+ year old in that get-up. That, or, maybe achieving a ticket into the over-60 club means you can wear whatever you want because you’ve earned it. Either way, it made me giggle.

    Now if you could just do something about the US teenage fad of super-tight jeans that look like they are painted on. I’ve never seen so many stick-legged young men! And from a scientific viewpoint, I wonder if we will see a rash of sterility in a few years do to the issues of constriction! (Actually…maybe that won’t be such a bad thing given the state of the population, but I’ve probably already offended a zillion people with this comment so far, so maybe I’ll just leave it at that.)

    • Rachel, the tight jeans thing is huge here right now too, and LOL re: the future influence this might have on fertility, that gave ME a good giggle! But we Americans have always preferred our jeans baggier to what they wear here, and even more-so on the continent. We used to play a game in the states when we saw a boy wearing tight trousers, which was “gay or European?” ;-)

  15. Howard and NFAH – when are you getting it on? Seriously, this online flirting through comments on the posts has been going on for too long. :P

    (j/k)

    Merry X’mas!!

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