In my email inbox from a Brit living in America

A Message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.  (You
should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’
‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters, and
the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up
‘vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed
with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

——————–

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour
(NOT humor)!

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17 responses to “In my email inbox from a Brit living in America

  1. Well, I wholeheartedly approve of 8, 9 (especially 9…) and 15. But no way am I giving up football. Real football, that is.

    But in Four Weddings and a Funeral, wasn’t Andie McDowell’s character supposed to be an American anyway? She didn’t have to fake an accent for that…

  2. Yes, she was definitely meant to be American.

    And everyone knows that afternoon tea is at 3.00 not 4.00pm.

  3. Okay Iota, tea can be at 3, I don’t mind.. as long as I still get a cookie.

  4. > the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will
    be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
    > the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will
    be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

    It gets it wrong with the above, too, Merry. As the Concise Oxford Dictionary says, “The form -ize has been in use in English since the 16th century; although it is widely used in American English, *it is not an Americanism*” [My emphasis]. Take down from your bookshelf a random sample of books published in Britain: I’d be very surprised if you did not find that at least half of them use the ‘-ize’ style of British (and Commonwealth) English!

    Also, why stop Americans from playing baseball? It is referred to by the very English Jane Austen in Northanger Abbey, written in 1798, published in 1803, and had probably been played in England for many years before that! 🙂

  5. Sorry about the repetition of the quotation in my previous comment!

  6. Merry,
    Cookies are not allowed. Scones however are permitted, provided they are eaten with clotted cream. Otherwise, the Queen says “let them eat cake”.

  7. Also, I don’t think Elizabeth Windsor ever refers to herself as ‘Her Sovereign Majesty’, a term which seems a bit tautologous to me. Her official diplomatic handle, I think, is ‘Her Britannic Majesty’ (as if it mattered!)

  8. Wikipedia says:

    Still, in common practice, Elizabeth is referred to most often as simply The Queen or Her Majesty. If a distinction is necessary, this may be modified to be Her Britannic Majesty, Her Australian Majesty, Her Canadian Majesty, etc., as is called for. When in conversation with the Queen, the practice is to initially address her as Your Majesty and thereafter as Ma’am.

  9. “Let them eat cake” was Marie Antoinette, who was French.

    Proper English tea would be cucumber sandwiches, and fancies (ie small cakes) – so I’m told.

  10. Well, if there are no cookies than the deal is off.

    The baseball point is problematic, Howard, I agree. After all, the World Series includes at least one Canadian team, and imagine breaking the news to Japan, Taiwan or Cuba that the game is not played outside of the US.

  11. > imagine breaking the news to Japan, Taiwan or Cuba that the game is not played outside of the US.

    I wouldn’t dream of doing so, Merry, since I know it to be untrue!

  12. > “Let them eat cake” was Marie Antoinette, who was French.

    To be utterly pedantic (and when am I ever not? 🙂 ), it seems that Marie Antoinette actually said, “Let them eat brioche (Qu’ils mangent de la brioche).”

  13. My argument is that Gordon Brown doesn’t have a lot of credibility lecturing America on much of anything. London real estate crashed screwing up the banks and they didn’t even have the Fannie Mae “affordable housing” dictate from Congress as a cause.

    I will write and post my extended appreciation for George Bush before year’s end!

  14. Kurmudge Says:
    > My argument is that Gordon Brown doesn’t have a lot of credibility lecturing America on much of
    > anything. London real estate crashed screwing up the banks and they didn’t even have the Fannie
    > Mae “affordable housing” dictate from Congress as a cause.

    The failure of the US sub prime mortgages is _precisely_ what is being blamed for screwing up the UK banks, precipitating the falling property prices in the UK.

    Chris
    PS I did know the “let them eat cake” line was Marie Antoinette, but just couldn’t resist.
    PPS I’m surprised nobody has picked up on the time when Her Majesty’s representative didsack a government.

  15. Chris, it’s remarkably naive to distill the world banking situation into a “blame the Americans”… I highly encourage a read of the recent survey on global finance in the Economist, which breaks down all the crucial details that have been overlooked by the British press, like the influence of the Chinese currency pegged against the dollar and how the Fed cannot compensate for emerging markets in setting its US based policy decisions. There is SO much more going on here than just some bad mortgages.

  16. Well played !

    I have always suspected the Brits to be a bit bitter, but that isn’t the flavor of the month. !
    Loved the humor though and keep up the good work!

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